Sunday, December 07, 2008

grandchildren and grandparents

as a child I use to long for grandparents but unfortunately 3 of my grandparents had died before I was born, I did though have a grandmother living in south Wales, my fathers mother, she died when I was nine without ever seeing me, I asked even begged my father to take me to see her but he would not go, now I find myself in the same position as my welsh grandmother, I have six grandchildren, two I have never seen, two I have not seen since six years ago and two I had been allowed to see a few days each year but this year I have not seen them and I have just received an e mail from my son to say my wanting to see my grandchildren is adding to his stress, no I have not been nagging him, I only asked once,

I was told I could visit one weekend in October when my daughter-in-law was away but I was told this just before the weekend and it was one of the weekends I was due to be in Edinburgh, had I known it was to be that weekend I could see my grandsons or not at all I would have dropped everything and gone, ironically I was free for the nine months before October and am free for the 2 months after October but that is not suitable for them, they could only allow me to see my grandsons one weekend in October,

the son and daughter-in-law that have not got time for me to see my grandsons this year are not a struggling working couple, my daughter-in-law is a full time mum, my grandsons go to school the elder and nursery the younger, my son works 5 days a week nine months a year in the computer games industry and earns a very high salary, this year they had a weeks holiday at February half-term overseas, went to centre-parks for a spring holiday, spent the summer holiday at Disneyworld Florida paid for by the company my son works for, went overseas for the October half-term and will be going to Australia for a month from the middle of December to the middle of January,

I find it really hard that I have three children who are all like my father in relation to their own family, my mothers family think my Dad was great but as an adult I started to realise and say to some of my cousins you wouldn’t find him so great if you were a blood relative and he was ignoring you,

It is not just me they ignore they are the same with my mother their grandmother, I know other people who also have a similar problem and those who walk on eggshells whenever they see their children, then I know others who see a little of their children and a lot of their grandchildren but mostly as unpaid childminders, there seem to be very few people who have a good normally relationship with children and grandchildren,

I do not usually post personal things but the e mail my son sent really cut me to the core, it will be his eldest sons birthday next Sunday and as usual I will not be allowed to visit my grandson for his birthday and 2 days later they leave for a month in oz,

5 comments:

ambermoggie said...

Frances I am so sorry tyo hear this:( We are very lucky in that we see my 2 grandsons most weeks and I am eternally grateful. It was one of the reasons for returning from Scotland to NW England, my missing them. Their grandad(my first husband) never sees them. My daughter stopped seeing him several years ago due ot his domineering behaviour and I sometimes(not very often) feel sad for him missing the boys growing up.
Can you perhaps write to your grandchildren and send notes/little cards etc to let them know youa re always thinking of them? They will remember that and I am sure as the grow older they will love to be with you

Julie said...

Frances, my heart goes out to you. It is so hard for grandparents and it sounds as tho maybe your daughter in law influences your son. How awful for you. I know how it feels to want grandparents too. Both my grandads died before I was born and I didn't see my Dad's Mum because my parnets split up when I was just 3 and I'm told my Dad's mum didn't like my Mum. Who knows? I would think letters and cards would be a good idea if the children atually receive them. Hopefully as they grow up they will want to know where their grandma is. They must wonder why other children have a grandma and they don't. I'm sending you a big hug. xx

Frances said...

Thank you Amber and Julie for your supportive comments, Amber I understand what you mean about living nearer but in this instance it is not the problem, when I lived near I still rarely saw my son and my mother does live near but they only see her once or twice a year for a few hours, infact weirdly it is sort of easier as I can blame the distance if I don’t want to face the truth, I would find not seeing them much, much harder if I lived close by,
Julie my daughter-in-law does not influence my son he was like this before he met her, they are a ‘pair well matched’,
I do send these grandsons cards and things, I don’t the others and will explain why in future posts, now I have opened the ‘flood gate’ I will write more, I also have savings accounts for the four grandchildren in the uk and would like to open accounts for the two in oz but can’t find accounts where the trustee can be in one country and the child in another, this annoys me as I feel there must be other grandparents/aunties/uncles/etc. in a similar position,
The children do see their other grandmother so they are not totally without grandmothers (both grandfathers are deceased), my daughter-in-law ‘tolerates’ her mother one afternoon a week most weeks, they also see siblings so my grandchildren do see cousins, but it is all in a way tolerated, my son and daughter-in-law seem to see fault in everyone else except their ‘friends’ and think they themselves (and their friends) are perfect, you know how we are told to bring our children up with confidence well I sometimes think I did it too well!!!

Conni said...

I am so very sorry about this situation, Frances, for you as well as for your grandchildren, who are being deprived of future memories of time spent with you… I was lucky enough to spend lots of time with my paternal grandmother and I absolutely treasure those memories…

Frances said...

thanks Conni, they are off to oz tuesday to spend christmas with friends,

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